Saturday, 18 February 2012

Daddy, Where on Earth Are You?

There I was listening to a show debating whether or not it was right that a 'gay' man should participate in raising his own biological child.  I almost fell off my seat, because not one of the callers of that show emphasized the fact that this man was in full time employment, financially independent, owned his own home, and wanted the opportunity to be a responsible, available father.
At times we can totally lose the plot and forget to focus on matters that are extremley important.

The word 'gay' threw people off into an out of control spiral, forgetting about the rights of a child and father in the mix. I've heard the God and homosexual argument a thousand times but this is where we need to be very careful. This is not a debate on this man's sexuality and whether God agrees (otherwise we would also have to question the morality and sexuality of the mother as well) it is clearly about a father wanting to take the responsibility for his own biological child. 

If the word 'gay' is such an issue in this case, then maybe we should also look at the actions of some heterosexual males.

How many heterosexual men simply plough their fields, sew their seeds then very quickly scatter?
How many more heterosexual fathers have deliberately chosen to take no responsibility over their own children? They either refuse to pay child support or claim to not have the funds to do so. They either fail to adhere to structured visiting arrangements or go missing for years then suddenly turn up on the doorstep, expecting to be embraced by mother and child, whilst in the meantime disrupting everyone's else's life.

Some of these absent heterosexual fathers have the audacity to turn up just for those special occasions ie: 16th, 18th, 21st birthdays, making a grand entrance as if they had participated in their child's life from the beginning. They didn't even buy the cake.

These same heterosexuals are the fathers who expect to walk their daughters down the isle with shameless pride, they expect to get a 'pat on the back' when they become grandfathers, they expect to be visited in hospital if their health takes a serious turn for the worse and usually have something nice to say on their death beds.
The children of some of these badly behaved men are more likely to abuse alcohol, have psychological issues, have poor educational performances and such like, according to various studies. 

C'mon, we really need to look at the bigger picture and what is in the best interest of every child on an individual basis, and not look at our own prejudices, biases and on occasions pretend it's what God has said.  A very high majority of gay men will tell you that both their parents were heterosexual and I'm not aware of any statistics that prove that gay men bringing up children makes their children gay, if that's what you are thinking.  

Saying that, there are many excellent fathers around who don't get enough credit for the role they play in their children's life. It's not my business to decide whether or not they are good enough fathers based on what they do in the privacy of their own bedrooms. If that were the case, then we would have an awful lot of children taken away from some of their mothers.

Daddies, where on earth are you?


  1. This example opens a window for us into how people's reactions to social issues often bear no relation to what really matters.

    Some people think homosexuality is acceptable, some don't. You said you don't want to get into that.

    So without doing so I would just ask - Think of the gays you know. Aside from their sexual orientation, are gays appreciably worse as people?
    Are they disporportinately less trustworthy, honest, kind? Are their morals noticeably more questionable?

    Now just look at how desensitised we have become to fathers who have children but don't step up. Where is society's outrage? Where is their sense of shame? No-one bats an eyelid. We've actually got used to it.

    Big picture now - how much harm does homosexuality actually do to our society?

    Yet, RPD, I'd add to your point - how many youngsters running the streets right now do so because they were deprived of the love, example and moral compass of a father figure? What percentage of the prison population?

    A given gay person may not make the ideal parent - but show me an ideal parent... ask any parent if they feel they have done an ideal job... I respect the guy who steps up and gives what he's got over the coward who hides from his responsibilities as being more of a 'real man' any day.

    1. Thanks Shiloh
      Very balanced comment in my view. Yes, I don't agree that society in general is doing enough in regards to forcing, coercing, training or chasing fathers who don't support their own children. No longer is it a shameful thing not to provide for your children anymore, and yes you are right to say that nobody 'bats an eyelid'. It is rather seen as part of a way of life nowadays.

      As you said Shiloh, 'show me an ideal parent'. Regardless to our sexuality we all have flaws and imperfections, failures and successes, but at the end of the day, it is a 'real man' who steps up to his responsibilities. It is always the children that suffer when 'real men' take flight. Very poignant comments Shiloh.

  2. It is ridiculous to think that a person cannot be a good father because he is gay. Who he sleeps with has nothing to do with the love and financial support he can give his child. Personally I have no desire to be a father, but that is not because I don't believe a gay man can be a great father, I just would not be one.
    My biological father left my life when I was 3 weeks old. Left. My mother pursued support, which gave him reason to shut me out entirely. He told her she could have him in my life OR a paycheck. Yep, he was not paying and being forced to actually BE a father. My half-brother's mother chose not to pursue support, it gave my brother probably 3 more visits a year than my one or two. But also a much closer relationship with my grandparents, though that may also be because he was not mixed race.
    I was blessed enough to have a dad in my life. Sure, he was a biological stranger, but was everything a father should be, but too often is not. Having seen both sides, why society would want to deprive a child of a father on the basis of who he loves is just stupid and truly evil.

    1. Jamie
      Thank you for being open, honest and frank with your personal situation. I'm glad that this biological stranger took over and was 'everything a father should be' and stepped into a role that your own father should of been playing.

      If just one person stops and thinks because of what you wrote, who knows what difference it could make in a child's life.

      I would love to also hear from more men and fathers (if they are reading this) as to their point of view on this subject even they have left children behind, maybe there is a reason why. They can always post anonymously.
      Thanks again Jamie.

    2. Thanks for the chance to share. The important thing is I am not bitter, lol. Yeah, right:P. sadly it is guilt that follows the kids, not the fathers. We are not supposed to be at all bitter you see. We are supposed to be grateful for every scrap of affection these biolohical co-creators feel like doling out. And if you are not grateful enough, that is why they don't visit. It's always someone else's fault they walked away.
      But you know, at least I am not bitter;)

    3. True. Some of these absent fathers have missed out on so much, and it's not until they are old and lonely that they realise their mistake. My motto is to move on and don't ever make the same mistakes they made. If you do have children then make sure you do everything that is in your power to support, help, mentor and nurture them. 'Those who don't know history are condemned to repeat it'. Basic principals.
      Your comments are much appreciated Jamie.

    4. Unfortunately it seems to be a pattern that repeats itself. It makes no sense that knowing how it felt, you would inflict such feelings on your own off spring, but it happens more often than not

  3. I think this is just another case of "I don't like to think for for myself so I let "society" think for me."
    Little does everyone who has this attitude realize that they are being brainwashed by others who have agendas, be it religion, financial and/or power. Those with agendas and who have the money and power to loudly proclaim what they stand for and EVERYBODY ELSE should stand for - have potential (due to their influence) to impact society as a whole.
    So listening to the majority of society - without thinking for ones' really listening to a few rich and powerful idiots who just want to be more rich and powerful.
    There is no logical reason why anyone cares about other people's lifestyle choices.
    First thing we need to do is examine our own lifestyle choices and make sure all of our judgments about others don't apply to ourselves as well.

    1. Hi Shanya

      Not sure what you're saying here. Who is it that you're saying allows their views to be dictated to them?
      The fathers who walk out on their children or the ones who stand up to their responsibilities and raise them?
      Just so I can understand where you're coming from...

    2. I think shayna was referring to people reacting negatively towards gays parenting. And I agree. People allow common prejudice dictate "right and wrong" without really asking WHY. Is it right to push your religious beliefs on others? Because when it comes down to it, the only reasoning behind keeping a gay man from his son, other than just plain ignorance, is because the bible makes gay men out to be immoral.

  4. Again good writing and resonates wiht my thoughts :) I actually posted today a little same kind of topic related to letting go of negative habits, attitudes, bias and prejudice that people are having based on too concise picture. And the difficulty of doing that, but also the necessarity and rewardingness of letting go of the bias, prejudice and bad preoccupations.

    1. Thanks Amethyst for your comment.
      I will have a look at your post as well.

  5. Every human being on this planet called Earth, has the right of their own to live the life they chooses. Gay, lesbians, heterosexual, etc..has its own way of bringing up their offspring that they think right, proper and loving them as their parents. Love them the way as normal people who needs love too.

  6. Thanks for your comment Fernando. Yes, "Love them the way as normal people who needs love too."

  7. I just want to tell you that your "about me" alone, had me clicking that follow button. This is the first post I've read of yours and I just want to say thank you. Not only for provoking thought, but for finally giving me a blog I will be craving to read. I'm attempting to start a debate blog. It might be a bit more. Angry than yours but I'd really love to hear your comments/ideas/opinions.

    1. Say Anything

      Thank you very much for the encouragement. It's easy to just choose a topic but the pen to paper act is another thing. Then I go through the added anxiety of hoping people take the time to read and comment, like yourself.

      I'm still very new to blogging, making lots of mistakes but will take a look at your blog and comment within a couple of days (busy) Thanks again.

  8. I've just across this blog called 'Fatherly Stuff' which I found very interesting as it deals with a father bringing up his child (very encouraging for any men bringing up children) It has some really interesting posts about 'hilarious baby sleeping positions, choosing the right daycare for your child, and much more.

    I believe that when you find a blog like this, especially when so many children need a father figure, you should promote it to others. So check it out, leave him comments on stuff you like and pass it on to others.


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