The Fear of Fear

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself" Franklin D. Roosevelt.
 
F-E-A-R. Simply four letters that can change my whole personality when I'm up in a plane with Mr Turbulence. And let me tell you now without shame. When F-E-A-R presented it's warped self, my vocals came into being and filled the plane, for all to hear. I screamed. Yes, I screamed like a new born baby birthed from the womb, then smacked. Well, I wasn't going down in silence.
 
Fear, in the fight or flight response is a mechanism that enables you to escape/hide or fight when confronted with a dangerous situation. But this same fear becomes unproductive when you're in a situation where there is no danger and yet it paralyses you. How many people have endured severe pain far longer than necessary with a bad tooth, causing themselves undue suffering, all because they're afraid of going to the dentist.

Many people have blighted their own career path because they feared to take the unknown road to something greater. Some bloggers are afraid to write books because they fear nobody would want to read it. There are those brilliant minds who study hard and late into the night, to prepare themselves for the big test. But on the day, fear attacks their mind distracting them from the anwers. It is only when they calm down afterwards, that the answers come flooding back.... too late. Through fear would-be whistle-blowers fail to speak up and are shamed into silence. Fear can also cause you to procrastinate for no real reason.
 
And to drive the point home, how many times looking back have you noticed that the fear was far worse than what you was actually afraid of? How many times did you feel like a right idiot because nothing actually happened? I had the whole plane laughing at me because I made such a fuss, only for it to land unscathed. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me! 
       

• What are you most afraid of?
• When are the times you have been most afraid?
• How do you overcome your fears?

 
I'd love to hear your comments, views and opinions.

Till Death Us Do Part?

Let's face it. In life lots of relationships don't work out. People who once couldn't be without each other for 5 minutes end up provoking blood lust on sight. They went from lovebirds to vicious fighting bulldogs in the human ring. What happened?

Common sense says that when a relationship is in serious trouble or at death's door the best option is to make a clean break and not prolong the agony, because staying together past that point creates not only verbal tension, but also many wasted days, months and precious years. And life is already too short to spend fighting. 

So, at what point do you realise that staying together to 'work it out' is actually resulting in more animosity, more bitterness and more long term hate? How do you recognise that point of no return when the end becomes inevitable? 

The haunting question then becomes 'If I do throw in the towel, how will I ever know if we had stuck it out a little longer and worked a little harder that we couldn't have made it work?' 

We have grandparents and great-grandparents who said 'till death us do part' and stuck to it. Divorce was highly unusual in their day. What secret did they know that we don't? Was it just staying power through thick and thin, sickness and health, for richer or poorer? After all, that's what they signed up to! Or were they living in secret misery for fear of public shame, tolerating the intolerable.

Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't advise anyone to stay in an domestic abusive relationship, and I don't care if they do have children. Run like your pants is on fire, I say.

But, marriages are dropping like flies and relationships don't last as long as they used to. You can get a divorce as quick as you can get a credit card. Then it's a case of move on to partner number **?**.  But I can't help feeling that divorce is sometimes taken as an easy way out with undue haste. There's just no staying power. Am I wrong? 

So, my question is:
Has divorce been made too easy and readily available?
Does marriage mean anything in today's society or is it just a piece of paper?
At what point should you separate from a person in a relationship if things are not going too well?

I'd love to hear your comments, views and opinions.

Reflections

Well, not long to go now until 2014.
 
This is the time of year that I always reflect on my life, my thoughts, my decisions and most importantly -  ME. I look back on all the positives and negatives including what I've learned from them.
 
I ruthlessly assess my friendships/relationships and make uncomfortable decisions on who needs to go. Nobody wants to bring a back-stabber or someone who has no respect into their future do they?
 
I take a blunt look at myself, naked and aware. I look at my broken dreams and destructive habits and make conscious decisions to put them right.
I look at my attitudes to people and life. I checkout my forgiveness or lack of it on some days. I look at the things that caused me to stumble and why. I thoroughly go through the things that caused me to excel and how I can hold on to them. I look at what makes me unhappy and the ways I can change it for the better. I think about how I can make a difference to this world.

This year in particular I'm conscious of Nelson Mandela who did 27 years in prison. Look what he achieved afterwards! He could have caused a bloodbath to satisfy a lust for revenge but instead he didn't allow bitterness and anger to strangle his dream of equality. He made his freedom count. What am I doing with the time I have left? What are any of us doing? Our actions can have consequences, and some of them great.
 
For most of the past year... actually past several years... there has been something that has been suppressing my true identity and stifling who I really am. I don't want to go into it - the details may be for another post - but I've struggled enormously and only recently feel that I've been released and want to make the most of this freedom for the time I have left.

So my question to you is:
What old things would you like to leave behind as you head into the New Year?
What new things would you like to bring into your life?
Looking back over the past year what have been your greatest successes and/or failures?
 
I'd love to hear your views, comments or opinions.

Neighbours Behaving Badly

Neighbours, don't get me started on this one. I can talk for England about this subject but I'll keep it short. Ahem!
 
Bad neighbours are the bane of my life. They drive me nuts, they bring out things in me I didn't know existed. There were times when I contemplated doing prison time rather than live next door to them. Thankfully, the authorities got there before I did.
 
I've lived next door to a few bad apples in my day and mark my words, they almost put me in the pysch ward at the nut house. The constant thumping of the bass music which was played as if they were deaf. Banging late at night which made me want to kick their front door off it's hinges. 

    

I was forced to listen to in-depth relationship arguments every weekend after their boozy night out, always coupled with physical punch-ups, lengthy screams and the sound of smashing furniture. And it was me that had to get out of my warm bed to tell them to 'keep it down'. It was me that was verbally abused because I tried to reason with them and it was me that was left to call the police. My actions turned me into the bad guy. My good was being evil spoken of. Can anyone work that out?

Try living next door to Mr Psycho. I did for a time. Every window of the house coated in tin-foil. Construction site noises coming from his home during the day and visits from 'ladies of the night' through to the early morning, disturbing my much needed sleep in the process. Yes I complained politely... and he answers the door wearing a mask, rubber gloves and his house looks like a bomb has gone off inside. Every natural instinct told me to steer a mile clear of this one. He then goes on the 'defensive' accusing me of picking on him - flaming cheek. All I wanted was a little peace and quiet in my own home. But you can't argue with stupid. I saw Mr Psycho a year after I moved away. I smiled to say 'hello' and guess what? He wasn't happy. He followed me on his bike shouting harsh curse words, swearing for 20 minutes. He was on the attack mate. Once again I'm the bad guy.
 
Would I do it again? Hell yes. If you don't disturb me, then I won't disturb you.  I don't even have the time to deal with the neighbours who spew out babies and allow them to run rampant destroying the communal areas, increasing my service charges. Try having a reasonable conversation with their parents, just bring your shield because it always ends bad. And how about the ones who don't pick up after their dogs have deposited their stools outside your door? I pay good money for my shoes.
 
Love your neighbour? Boy, that's a big ask on the best of days!
 
So my question is:
Have you ever had neighbours behaving badly? Please share your story with us.
Are you comfortable reporting your neighbours to the authorities when they behave badly?
Has a neighbour ever complained about your behaviour? - C'mon, be honest now!

I'd love to hear your views, comments and opinions.

The Best Medicine

They say it's what separates us from the animals. We all do it but few of us can explain what it actually is. It's something commonplace, yet at the same time profoundly mysterious. 

I'm talking about laughter.

Some people even ask 'what use is it?' but science tells us that laughter actually does bring physical and psychological benefits to humans. It's supposed to make us happy, feel good and bond relationships. And making someone laugh can help get them through difficult situations.  

So what makes you laugh? I've been severely scolded because of my weird sense of humour. I admit it. If you fall down the stairs, bump into a shop door, get stuck in the train doors - I'm the one who's laughing uncontrollably in the corner until I can regain my composure to help, and I don't even know why. I just find things like that funny - when it's happening to someone else! My practical jokes are worse, and they've back-fired a few times, so I'm very careful what I do now.

People say I have a contagious laugh. Once I start, bit by bit everyone around me will join in and they don't even have a clue why I'm laughing! Some people have a nervous laugh. If you catch them out in conversation or something doesn't seem quite what it is, they laugh it off in an unconvincing way. 

I've even seen people laugh and cry at the same time when faced with terrible adversity. Perhaps it's a coping strategy. 

So look at how complex and mysterious laughter is. It can be hysterical, evil, laughing insultingly in someone's face or a joyous expression of laughing together.

So the next time you're laughing, ask yourself, why am I laughing, what kind of laughter is it, and what is laughter anyway?

So, my question is:
What makes you laugh?
Have you ever played a joke on someone and it back-fired?
Where do your draw the line between what's funny and what is 'sick' humour?

I'd love to hear your comments, views and opinions.

Can Discrimination Ever Be Positive?

Ever heard of 'Positive Discrimination' or 'Affirmative Action'? Well, I've just found out that it's no myth! 

The term was coined by President JFK in America. The basic idea was that certain groups in society - in this case African Americans - had suffered such massive historical disadvantages and discrimination based on race, that they did not realistically have the same opportunity to succeed as everyone else. So therefore active steps needed to be taken to ensure that such minority groups were represented and hired in organizations, government and businesses. It's led to the adoption of hiring quotas (in some countries) in which a certain number must come from previously under-represented groups.

It covers a lot of areas from employment decisions, admission to educational institutions and even public health to name but a few. 

The claim is that 'reverse discrimination' - at least for a period of time - is the only way to restore complete equality in the long term. But is this the case?

On the surface it sounds simple, but in reality it actually means that if there is a lack of black people, for example, in a workplace, then in the event of 2 equally qualified people going for the same job, one black and one white, the employer opts to give the post to the black person from the underrepresented group in order to correct the balance.

No wonder many countries refuse it, as it seems tantamount to unequal treatment to many. They simply choose to treat all people the same.

How can people be preferred purely on ethnicity or origin? Doesn't this actually devalue the person's real accomplishments? I mean, isn't it a bit patronising? This policy could actually end up damaging the people it seeks to help because others will assume 'she only got the job because she was black or a woman etc, not because she was the strongest candidate'.

It also keeps people constantly aware of the barriers that divide us, creating more resentment between different groups, increasing rather than reducing racial tension. 

Perhaps you only agree with it when it is focused on one particular area and not another. For example - you may agree that more women should be seen in top positions, but not necessarily more disabled or ethnic minorities?

So I ask:

• Is Positive Discrimination a good or bad thing?
• Should employers in a multicultural society be forced to have a balance of different ethnicity or equal numbers of men and women in the workplace? 
• Have you ever been chosen over someone else based on your race, culture, ethnicity or sex?

I'd love you to share your comments, views and opinions.

Author of Your Own Destruction

'Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn' they say. But this was a clear case of cutting one's own throat, without seeing it coming. 

Boy meets girl, they fall in love and get married. All seems well for a season until he is forced to tell his unsuspecting wife he's been having an affair during their 26 years of marriage. He then abandons wife for a new life with his mistress. Gulp...

Well, I'm sure she would have felt like any other woman. Shocked by the sudden announcement, betrayed because she knew nothing about it. Hurt because the affair was with someone she knew. Humiliated, angry and bitter that her private life was about to go viral as 'news' in the media for all to see. I guess she might have felt a little revengeful. Who wouldn't?

Now, the estranged wife had plans, but she had no idea of the price she would pay.

She waits a while then states to reporters that a few years ago, to avoid her then husband being prosecuted for a speeding offence, she falsely told police that she was driving the car that had been caught by the speeding cameras. In other-words, she accepting driving licence penalty points incurred by her husband. Well, let me tell you this in a nutshell and to cut a long story short. 

ALL hell breaks loose, everything goes public. Both herself and husband get arrested. She now needs a defence and states she was coerced by him. The jury doesn't accept it, they both get charged with perverting the course of justice and end up with an 8 month prison sentence. She was recently released after serving 2 months and has to wear an electronic tag on her ankle and abide by a curfew until the end of her sentence. 

This actually happened. He was the high profile UK politician Chris Huhne who was married to Vicky Pryce. 

Now, I'm not here to discuss their case, but was rather making a point about being the Author Of Your Own Destruction. I can't imagine for one minute that she would have spoken out in this way knowing what the consequences would have been. Nobody in their right mind would set themselves up to be shamed so openly, then end up in prison. 

So my question to you is -
Have you ever done anything in an act of revenge that backfired in your face?
Have you ever willfully divulged secret information because your relationship with a person turned bad?
Have you ever set someone up in revenge and then sat back and watched your plans unfold with a smile on your face? 

I'd love to hear your comments, views and opinions.

The Abusive Church - Part 2

Busy doing Nothing

Before you knew it, and regardless to your day-job, every spare minute was being taken up with evening church activities. Mondays were ordained as a free day, Tuesdays was choir practice for those who wanted to be tormented by the Pastor's rude, authoritarian son. Wednesdays was bible study where you were constantly bombarded with information and any poignant questions would be danced around until the lesson had finished. Thursdays was Cell Group where the church folk met in each other's homes on a rota basis. Fridays was youth meeting, followed by cleaning the church and then all-night prayers until 3am. Saturdays was street evangelism and Sundays was church from 8.30am to 10pm. 

Non-attendance of these meetings was frowned upon. People were exhausted and tired. You were discouraged from attending private family functions or events not related to church or having associations with unsaved friends. 'God' had to be put first. Any complaint would result in you being labeled as a weak and lukewarm Christian.

Warning 3

The key tactic here is to keep people constantly occupied and distracted. You don't have any time to think, decipher information or do any research for yourself. If your ability to think is taken away, you are more likely to accept information given to you. 

Money money money

We gave money constantly. At every meeting, at every church service, sometimes 2 or 3 times in one day. We tithed 10% of our gross income and there were additional times when we were told to give a 'sacrificial' offering, even if we didn't have it, so that you could be 'blessed by God'. I saw that offering basket more times than I saw my own family. We were told that if we did not give our money it was as if you were robbing God. Now, the bible has a lot to say about giving to the poor but I never heard the leader breathe a word about that. What was actually going on with hindsight, was that he was accepting money from a load of people with far less than him. The opposite of what the bible says. 

That church was freezing in the winter and the roof was always leaking. But I guess that's what happens when bad money mismanagement comes into play. Or was it?

Warning 4

People should be free to give. The minute there is an element of pressure, guilt, blackmail or even bribery ie: 'give so that God will bless you', alarm bells should be ringing loud and clear in your head. God doesn't work that way.

Behind the Mask

This pastor was one hell of a force to be reckoned with. He was extremely charismatic and well known within the community. He was liked by many people who were not part of that church and he played the Jekyll and Hyde game very well. One of his tricks was to suddenly and openly tell the congregation on a Sunday morning that God has spoken to him, and some unlucky bastard was to be ordained as a leader ie: missionary, evangelist, elder, teacher, deacon etc. In reality he was falsely giving you a formal position within the church by name only. You actually had no authority, influence or power at all. Obviously you were not allowed to refuse that position because it came from God. I was unfortunate enough to be given a title which meant more meetings and more of an insight into the politics going on behind the scenes. 

Shunning  

I remember the case of a very well respected and extremely popular leader who got on very well with the Pastor and his family. 

At a certain point they wanted to step down from one aspect of their duties after a few years. The Pastor tried to persuade them not to and refused to give his blessing. When this leader politely stuck to their guns the Pastor ominously said 'OK... we'll deal with this on Sunday'. He actually waited several days to publicly denounce this person in front of the whole church, as though they had done something seriously wrong! They were now silenced, gagged - in other words, not allowed to speak as a leader.

This well-liked leader was immediately ignored by most people after the service ended. People simply turned their heads and walked away. People were too afraid to ring them at home or make contact. This leader was shunned for weeks until the Pastor reinstated their position. 

Warning 5

The power that social isolation can have on people who have cut off their family/friends, not to mention the outside world and made their whole social life revolve around a church like this can have devastating psychological and emotional effects. Yes, you can leave at anytime but where would you go? Who would you turn to? And remember what I said in:
The Abusive Church - Part 1
it was drummed into you that God had put you in that church. 

Headless Chicken

There came a point where myself and my partner no longer believed in the Pastor's version of scriptural interpretation. We presented him with a small document of our findings and handed it out within one of the hierarchy meetings just like we were supposed to do. The Pastor agreed in front of all the ministers and their wives to discuss our concerns at another meeting. 2 weeks later he obviously changed his mind. We received a damning letter which I can only say sounded like it came from a demented man. He stated the following which I have put in quotes:

"I take it to be an act of gross misconduct to me and anyone of intelligence in the meeting" furthermore "without submitting it to me for approval or disapproval", "I think you should have asked for them back and re-presented them in the proper manner if approved". This Pastor continued by stating 'I do not take it lightly, anyone trying to embarrass me in front of the people that God gave me to lead', "was it a try to pull a fast one" 'I do hope that this was a genuine mistake" and 'you are setting up trouble for yourself in your local church and may the Lord help you". 

We of course responded in a godly way to all letters BUT this Pastor wanted blood.  He sent a second letter commenting "disrespect is and will always be discouraged" and "there is a way of doing things which shows respect for leadership and in turn will promote those in "followship" and "I have already informed those present at that meeting this would not be discussed on any level, therefore no need for you to trouble yourself further". 

Now, I have not written 1/5 of what this Pastor said but wanted to give you a gist of his mindset when someone disagrees with him. In the Pastor's third letter he stated "You owe me an apology, not just to me but to all who were present in that meeting", and "you have offended me, you did not cause division because I stopped it in time" AND "you having to leave on issues as these do hurt me in the guts". It was also confirmed and made very clear that he had stopped people contacting us.

All those wicked words spoken ONLY because we had a different point of view over scriptural interpretation.  

My Experience of Pentecostalism

I've seen marriage forced upon couples who were not ready for it, they only wanted to date to see if they were compatible, but are now divorced or separated especially when re-marriage was deemed as sin. I've seen many people suffer with mental illness due to the emotional abuse they suffered. Many have cast God aside and dare not venture into any type of religion. One particular woman died because she refused to take her medication on the premise that God would heal her.  I've seen many false prophets claim God told them to do this or that, but it's ironic how nobody never claimed to do a miracle or raise the dead, simply because they couldn't produce the evidence. I've seen fearless men from the rough and tough streets of London turned into whimpering fools. I am disgusted to my stomach to have been in a private meeting when it was announced due to rumours, that another Pastor from another congregation had made a woman pregnant, and this was being hushed up by the hierarchy.  Nobody was to say anything. I'll never forget it as long as I live. And I will never have anything to do with that church or Pastor again. Shame on every Pastor, for every evil they have done. GOD IS NOT MOCKED. 

Warning 6

Places like this and people like this Pastor can only exist because people like YOU or ME fund it with our tithes, money, offerings and most importantly, our time. Do you think autocratic or authoritarian leaders would exist if none of us ever showed up? You can't manipulate, control or abuse nothing, so to speak.  

Vote with your feet. Hit the floor running. Trust your gut instinct. And don't be afraid to challenge things that you feel is not right. 

I hope I was able to help someone. 

If you missed it, you can read Part 1 here:
The Abusive Church - Part 1 

It would be great to hear your views, comments and opinions on anything regarding this topic. And feel free to express your views. 

The Abusive Church - Part 1

Part 1

This is a true story of my personal experiences within an abusive church. I apologize for such a long post but there are things that needed to be said. 

This post is not intended to mock or criticise the many Church Leaders that promote the sound teachings of God and have a real duty of care and love for their congregation, but rather to expose some of the toxic features within a church that almost destroyed my relationship with God. I feel compelled that this is the right time to share my experiences and to warn others in advance. 

Seeking Hope

One of the things that most people search for is a spiritual source to fill the gap that nothing else seems to plug. A creator, a God, a being of some sort. After all, we have a longing to know who we are and where we came from. One of the many paths we take is the road that leads to God. 

At a young age I had already exhausted the nightclubs, lock-in pubs, underground raves, and designer clothes. I'd had my fair share of expensive dinners, holidays abroad and meeting people you wouldn't want to be associated with. I indulged in way too many deadly sins to mention.  

I began to have an intense inner feeling that I needed God and to find him I needed to find a place of worship.  

I eliminated the Jehovah Witnesses, Baptists, Catholics and Mormons because throughout my early life I had already spent time studying with them and their teachings just weren't my cup of tea.  I then remembered my relative telling me about this local Pentecostal church they went to and how different it was regarding worship, plus the preaching/teaching was very bible-based.  I decided to go along and take a look for myself. It was that decision which almost put me 'smack bang' into the gates of hell.

No Way Out

Within a matter of weeks of my being there, I was being taught in the Sunday school lessons that the reason I, as a new convert had chosen that particular church was because 'it was the place where God had sent me' and 'those that leave that church were never meant to be there in the first place'. People who left were being referred to as 'wolves in sheep's clothing' according to Matthew 7:15 in the bible. We were constantly being fed stories of how people came into the church and tried to cause havoc but when they didn't succeed they left and that was due to them not being a child of God in the first place, but of the devil. We were warned against associating ourselves with them. After all, those people had rejected the truth about God so what could we possibly have in common with them? We were light and they were darkness.

I had no reason to challenge this based on what I had seen so far, so I lapped it up like a thirsty dog. The noose was being tightened, but so slowly that I didn't notice it.

Warning 1

This is vitally important because they were quickly laying the foundations in your mind that the Almighty God had put you in their church. And to leave would be to defy God. 

It was also teaching you not to associate yourself with anyone who had left the group regardless to their reasons. They would be labeled as rebellious and/or backsliders - in other words, they walked out on God and wanted to return to the society that was on it's way to a fiery hell. 

Seem like simple statements don't they? But, in the long run, those words would plant guilt, fear and shame, and haunt you whenever you thought of leaving. 

Shut Up and Obey
As the months ticked by we were taught that we should obey God rather than man - Acts 5:29. It's a brilliant scripture if used in the right way, but it was constantly drummed into us that the Pastor and his ministers had been ordained by God, and they were the mouth-piece of God, so in essence, you were obeying what God wanted through them. You were taught that if you wanted to do certain things then you would have to ask the Pastor for 'permission' first. There would be serious consequences if you failed to adhere to this. 

Anyone who dared to challenge the pastor would be knocked back sometimes privately but more so publicly. They were made to look as if they were being disobedient to God's ordained authority. 

There was a situation where an elderly woman wanted to visit another church. She told us beforehand what she wanted to do but when the Leader refused 'permission' she decided not to go. We had been taught that to go without his express 'blessing' was to go against the will of God. As time moved on, I'd realise that 'permission' was sought for many things: dating, marriages, visiting other churches, social events and suchlike. 

Anyone who did not abide by these rules was privileged enough to be the topic of the next Sunday sermon in front of the whole congregation. Can you imagine, for example, how you would feel if you wanted to get married and because you didn't ask the pastor's 'permission' the next service would be about disobedient people marrying the wrong kind or that it wasn't ordained by God and that their marriages would fail etc?

Warning 2
Public humiliation was a way of telling the whole congregation to 'hear and fear'. The pastor did not take kindly to anyone who disobeyed him. Bit by bit, grown adults (many who I personally know) who were once very strong and independent minded were being turned into people who conformed to whatever this autocratic pastor wanted. Members were regressing to childlike vulnerability, they were no longer thinking for themselves. They were only interested in whether the pastor would approve or disapprove. In order for any cult to work you need total obedience. It was no longer about Jesus.  

But the worst was yet to come.
Part 2 will be posted on 6th September 2013.

Questions
Have you or do you know anyone who has experienced autocratic leadership?
Have you encountered these dynamics in other places apart from a religious setting?

I'd love to hear your comments, views and opinions.

The Smiling Assassin

Trust me, they walk amongst us and we ought to take heed and be careful. 

These people are calm and docile. They are not in-your-face aggressors. They are experts in knowing how to adopt a placid persona to carry out their under-handed aggressive attacks. A classic case of wolf-in-sheep's clothing. They have a way of channelling all their anger and frustration in a passive way. It all looks so good on the surface but underneath they are mere backstabbers looking to retaliate in the most subtle and cunning ways.  It's a kind of undercover abuse. They are called Passive Aggressives. 

Passive Aggressives procastrinate even if they have agreed to do something for you. You can remind them countless times but they'll find a way to either do it in their own time or maybe not at all.  They have intentional inefficiency - that's when you ask them to wash the dishes, and they do it with a smile but will deliberately leave food bits on the plates stating they did their best. Their mission was sabotage. Their smile is really a smirk that says 'I'll teach you a lesson'. They'll refuse to deal with arising problems and will allow things to escalate. 

Passive aggressives won't tell you you're wrong, they'll make subtle sarcastic comments hoping you won't pick up on it, and if you do, you may find it very difficult to pin-point the offensive comment whilst they go all wide-eyed and innocent saying 'what....me? Oh nooo, I didn't mean it that way'. And if you insist on challenging them, they can make you look as if you're the one causing the problem. 

Passive Aggressives, don't take responsibility or blame. They are masters at what they do and know how to manipulate others. You usually find out who they are by their behaviour. 

Does anybody know what I'm talking about?

Have you ever been the victim of Passive Aggressive tactics?
How would you deal with someone who is a Passive Aggressive?

I'd love to hear your comments, views, opinions or experiences.

Mystery of Inspiration

Inspiration, friend or foe. It seems to be an enemy if you ain't got it. What the heck is it anyway? Usually when I come to write a blog post there is something that triggers me. 

When it comes to blogging I don't actually know where inspiration comes from. Is it really from all those conversations I had down the pub? Or maybe the many family functions where we debated issues all night? Maybe it's the regurgitation of my daily diet of news? Crikey knows. 

All I can say is that, like a bolt of lightning, something happens and the words just flow and I feel complete in the sense that I have something to say.

But when searching for inspiration, it proves very elusive. I try and go back to the source. I replay the moment of inspiration in my mind trying to work out what happened but it's like looking for the end of the rainbow.

It's almost as though, instead of me finding inspiration, it's inspiration that finds me. In a quick minute it's all there and if you don't try to capture it, it's gone. I recognise it when it happens but I don't have a clue where it comes from. So my questions to you readers and fellow bloggers is:

Where do you get your inspiration from?
Come to think of it, what is inspiration?

I would love to hear your comments, views and opinions on this.

Metamorphosis

Take a regular guy, unassuming and liked by all. His friends portray him as friendly, respectful and polite, far from the angry troublemaker, hotheaded rebel or sinister outsider. The kind of person who is from a good family, did well at school and held down a decent job for years. We all know someone like that.
 
Along the way 'something' happens to those young people that produces adults that I find absolutely chilling.
 
'Something' that turned the guy those people knew into a man with blood-soaked hands, holding a meat-cleaver and knife in the headlines last week. I'm talking, of course, about Michael Adebowale, alleged murderer of soldier Lee Rigby in Woolwich, whose body had to be identifed by dental records. People say that Michael Adebowale was 'radicalised' - but what does that actually mean?
 
So how about Ariel Castro - the man responsible for keeping captive, Gina DeJesus, Amanda Berry and Michelle Knight for over 10 years? Was he radicalised too? He was another normal member of his community even having the audacity to invite friends over for a beer claiming the noises they heard were dogs in the attic, when in fact it was the victims trying to escape. Ariel Castro gave money towards the search for one of the girls he himself had kidnapped. On another occasion he attended a vigil for a girl and stood with the grieving family knowing that a few hundred yards away she was huddled up and chained in his own basement. Those who knew him also gave him a glowing report. 

Many times there is nothing in a person's past that raises alarm bells as to what they might do in the future.
 
Is there some sort of a metamorphoses that takes place, or is it just the matter of them revealing who they really were all along, flashing their true colours after many years?
 
Sometimes we are so busy being focused on the bad guys that we're not concentrating on the so-called 'good guys'.
 
Now I ask you:
•    Can someone explain what radicalisation really is?
•    Have you ever been horrified to find out a person you thought you knew for years was something completely different? If so, can you share what happened?
•    Do you think it's possible to prevent this sort of thing happening if you intervene at an early enough stage?

I'd love to hear your comments, views and opinions on this.

No-Nonsense Women

"I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman but I have the heart and stomach of a king, and a king of England at that!" The words spoken by a great woman who had power, authority and strength. Queen Elisabeth the First.
 
"If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman". Words spoken by one of the most powerful and divisive leaders that Great Britain has ever seen. Baroness Margaret Thatcher, ex Prime Minister who passed away last week.
 
Regardless to what you personally think about these women or their politics they had common traits. Determination, resilience, boldness, courage, strength of character, a willingness to take risks and a fearless heart. They stood up against strong minded men who tried to oppose and challenge them. They persisted with their aim and got the program done. These women knew what they wanted and didn't allow anyone to stop them.
 
Dare I neglect to mention all the other unsung heroines who bring the same qualities to everyday life. Women who are the backbone of their families, that successful business, that international industry. Without them it would not work. But wait, isn't that the problem? Their contribution is only valued so long as they stay in the background, the moment they try to step into leadership, they get shot down.
 
So are women still facing cultural, male dominated, obstacles today? Even Thatcher was trained to lower and deepen her voice!

They say you have to be strong and hard to get on and achieve. But if a woman acts too tough, they say she is no longer feminine. Come on and be honest now - If a woman behaves daintily, or presents herself too attractively, is she really taken seriously?
 
While men can just get down to business, women have to walk this tightrope and in some cases, still get the same job done, if not to a higher standard.
 
So, can a woman be strong and powerful without being manly? I mean, is there a type of strength that is better suited to women than to men?
 
What actually makes a woman powerful?
Who are the powerful women in your life and how did they influence you?
Are powerful women viewed or portrayed as negative?
Do men fear a powerful woman?

I'd love to hear your comments, views, and opinions.

Rep to Protect

"It's not your job to like me, it's mine" - I've chosen to open with this quote by Byron Katie but... isn't it an impossible dream?

C'mon now, let's be honest - when your feelings get hurt and you say "I don't give a monkey's what anyone thinks of me" out of sheer bravado, are you really being honest?

I believe that deep down all of you out there care much more about the opinions of others than you would like to let on.

I'm ready to admit that I have a rep (reputation) to protect if you know what I mean. It's important to me that I do all I can to uphold my good name. My reputation is what identifies me. A bad reputation equals a bad name and can lead to serious repercussions.  

Aesop's fable about the 'boy who cried wolf' brings this point home powerfully. The boy undermines his own reputation to the point that when he does have something of vital importance to say, no-one believes him, with tragic consequences. To not care in 'anyway' what people think about us, is in a sense, an act of self-sabotage.

As for real life, who believes a liar, trusts a thief or shakes hands with a dodgy builder? 

Your reputation can be your best friend or your worst enemy. Have you ever thought that your reputation could be what's standing in the way of you moving forward.

So when you walk out into society, make your voice hold weight in public, make your opinion count, let your judgement change lives - your reaction may cause a stir for the better or worse and all of this based on your reputation. 

Let's take a moment to carefully consider our reputations...

Do you think reputation is important? 

What is your respect for others based on - ie. what makes it grow or lessen?

Is there anything worth sacrificing your reputation for?

I love to hear your comments, opinions and views on this.

Resilience - Victim or Victorious

The power or ability to return to the original form, position, etc., after being bent, compressed, or stretched; elasticity.

Or 

The ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyancy (Dictionary.com)

On a daily basis, life has a way of throwing adversity at us. But what is it that allows one person to bounce back from pain, hurt, disaster, defeat or a crisis, whilst another person will sink deep into a bottomless pit with no way out? In other words, what is Resilience? 

For instance, different people can suffer the same severe trauma, such as bereavement, rape and accidents that cause disabilities, to name but a few. Yet some are able to pick themselves up and slowly but surely change their situation into a better one, whilst another person sinks deeper into despair, sometimes resulting in them turning to the abuse of drugs/alcohol, rejecting family and friends, and even taking their own life.

Resilience is the difference between these two groups. So what makes one person more resilient than another?

There are things which boost our resilience and things that undermine it, a bit like our immune system when we are attacked by an illness. These can be things either inside or outside of us. 

Inside could be confidence, optimism, a value system that is based on things which cannot be taken away etc. Outside could be having a supportive family or network of friends, hobbies and interests, being rich culturally (Ie: an interest in music, art, cooking, fashion, writing etc.) 

On the other hand, there are things which destroy resilience, for example self-pity, untrustworthy family members, manipulative friends, excessive pessimism and much more.

When we are placed under pressure the first thing we need to do is identify the resources inside and outside of ourselves which can boost our resilience and recognise the dangerous influences we need to avoid. In a make-or-break situation, identifying the sources of resilience can make all the difference. So I ask you:

What strengthens of weakens your resilience?
Does having resilience depend on whether you have a victim or survivor mentality?
Do any of you have stories that you can share about bouncing back after a crisis or examples of things which almost destroyed your resilience?

I love to hear your comments, views and/or opinions. 

Disappointment - My Constant Companion

Disappointment can sometimes be like a ball attached to one's ankle via a long chain. It will let you get so far then yank you back. You want to go forward in life but it's hard dragging a weight behind you. If you sit still doing nothing it's no problem, but as soon as you get up to move, there it goes again - disappointment. 

For many people, unemployment can be that disappointment, which is a constant companion. It's one hell of a road to be on. If you factor old age or should I say maturity into it, it's no joke. Add a little bad health and it becomes worse. 

People are constantly being demonized for being on state benefits, but how else can they survive if they can't find work? Not everyone chooses to sit on their backside and do nothing all day. Some have no choice. Voluntary work may give you an advantage when it comes to gaining experience and so can doing educational courses. But they don't pay the bills. 

Yes, there are some who cheat the benefit system, and some who have no intention or desire to work, but I'm definitely not speaking about them. 

I say all of this because of a number of conversations I've had with some ignorant minded folk. Ignorant I say, because they have not only never been in this situation, but they have an attitude of unrelenting grievance, filled with hate against anyone who does not work for any reason. Their high minded, pompous status in life has somewhat let them down. My blood boils but I keep a lid on it. In situations like those I have a split second choice between one of the following consequences:

 Spend the night in a police cell 

OR

 Write a blog post

I chose wisely. No-one is worth the first route.

The basic reality is that there are people out there who have genuinely struggled to find a job. Some will use every penny of their savings to survive before they accept any handouts. They are not stupid, lazy, scroungers or useless. They are people who would do hard graft if given the opportunity. They are people who would take minimum pay, work nights if they had to, and extra shifts wouldn't be an issue if given the chance, but in spite of all this, disappointment remains their constant companion. 

Why add to the weight they already carry by giving them an additional burden of shame and guilt? Anyone of us could find ourself in this position tomorrow! 

One of my friends was in tears as he explained how his son has become deeply depressed after being unemployed for a couple of years. He's become reclusive, lost self-confidence, lost hope and no longer enjoys going to social gatherings, lest someone should ask him about work. He's applied for countless jobs, had countless interviews, been on courses but yet nothing suffices. What does a person in this position need to do before others are willing to accept that people like him have tried?

Have you even been umemployed for any length of time? Tell me about it.

What are your views on the chronically unemployed?

Feel free to share your views, opinions or thoughts. 

Anti-Social Networking

Addiction - a word normally associated with drink or drugs - but can you also be addicted to social media/internet? It seems to me that some people can't get enough of it.

On one hand, I see it as a great way to express views, meet like-minded cyber-friends from all different backgrounds and from around the world - all whilst sitting in the comfort of my own home.   

It's a cheap and very easy way to stay in contact with family/friends abroad and it allows lonely people the opportunity to socialise. Social media can help you stay connected to your fellow man. Not bad eh?

Want instant information at your finger-tips? Search the internet. Fancy talking to someone? Skype them or use online chat. Facebook, twitter and many other sites are great places to contact vast amounts of people very quickly. The internet is a great place to promote a worthy cause, and even get petitions up and running quickly. I love social media.

But what about the ugly, dark flip-side to it? 
Do you really know who sits behind those computers, or do you even care? Many of us have avatars, provide hapless names and can become faceless people we are not. Even a photograph provides no proof that it is of you! I read that a blogger found her own family picture under someone else's name. 

Also, we lose vital time at work and home spending valuable time on the internet or social networking. It's hard for people to get our attention in real life because we are so busy checking our emails (whilst we're eating dinner), texting (whilst driving - all the while condemning drink driving!), being 'poked' or poking others on sites (or am I already out of date?). I've almost broken my ankle doing long jump because my email bleeped me. We feel naked going out without our mobiles.  Some of us have lost track of what is happening in the real world around us because of it. 

Are we even aware that there are online predators, or do we only recognise them after we have been 'caught' in their net?

Do those people who boast about the great foreign holiday they're about to embark on, stop to think that a burglar may be reading that message? Cross-referenced with their home address, that is a recipe for robbery!

Do parents care about the amount of information they divulge with photos of their children on things like facebook without even blinking an eye? I mean, most parents wouldn't normally give this info to a stranger on the street, so why parade it on social sites? I wonder if any of that information has been used to groom children? Just a wild thought. 

Every time you open a new account your are required to give details of your name, email address, gender or suchlike. Different accounts have different disclosures of personal information. Bit by bit, every personal detail about you is put on the internet for all to see, or for dubious characters to gather and hack into. How about the ones that form close personal relationships with the unsuspecting innocent ones? Many of those in such situations end up with their hearts broken, their bank balance being greatly reduced or being scammed in various ways. Well, to my shame, I've been stung too. I befriended a nut... but I'll save that for another post, because it ended well for me. 

Do you spend too much time on the internet, and why?
Have you ever been scammed in some way, or even suffered a troll, what did you do about it?
Do you have any safe tips on being secure on social sites or the internet?

I'd love to hear your thoughts, comments and views.

Political Discrimination

Last week in England a foster carer had 3 Eastern European children removed from her care, simply because she was a member of a certain political group that took a stance against immigration. The issue I want to go into here is not about immigration, or the particular party she was a member of, but whether or not we should have a right to stop someone from doing a particular job because that person is a member of a group that we don't agree with or support. 

In England it is well known that we have a lack of foster carers for ethnic minority children, and it is a bonus when foster carers have no problem raising a child regardless to their ethnic origin. Isn't that what it should be all about?

Is it in the best interest of the children for social services to be reluctant to place them in families that are of a different ethnicity to them. The result? It's much harder for black and mixed-race children to find foster families, and they are left to languish in a care system that is far from ideal. Is this really helping them?

On another angle, can you imagine being in a job for years and then all of a sudden your boss informs you that because you have voted or become a member of a certain political party then you must leave the business? 

I mean, many of us would have heard of the Klu Klux Klan, but let's pretend that you have worked side by side with the person for years and never had a problem communicating well with them until you found out who they support. Would you consider it fair for them to loose their job on account of this? Or does their politics have any impact at all on their competence for the job?  

Do the politics of the people your rub shoulders with, impact on your life?

Have you ever dis-owned your work colleague or friend just because they voted for the oppossition or a politcal party that you didn't agree with? And what made you change your view of them?

I'd really like to hear your views, opinions and comments on this.

Food Glorious Food!

Have you ever taken the time to find out exactly where your food comes from? Or do you just buy food based on the price, especially during this economic downturn? 

To be honest, I really can't afford to live off pure organic food on a daily basis. I'm not happy to see animals tortured, caged and tested on but I also have to seriously consider my pocket. Basic foodstuffs already cost way too much, in my eyes and I've got other bills to pay. 

What about all those pesticides they use on our fruit and veg? Which would you prefer - a large, sweet, juicy pear grown with chemical assistance, or a smaller sized, blemished one, but grown naturally? 

I'm hearing all these things about our foods. I mean, factory farming involves shoving a load of animals in a tight space without looking after them properly. Is it right that we tolerate animals being kept in bad desperate conditions, so long as we get fast, cheap food on our plates?

Ok, we keep going on about the starving children in Africa, but why not for a couple of years do intensive farming like mad to produce that food to feed those kids? Nothing wrong in feeding a starving child is there? I mean, it wouldn't be forever. Now, just because we are doing one thing, it doesn't mean we couldn't at the same time also implement long term organic farming.

It was rather alarming to find out I'd eaten GM food that has had it's natural DNA messed about with. In America for example, I've read that most of their vegetable oil is produced via GM crops. In Hawaii, roughly 80% of their fruit called papaya is GM. If for one minute you think about all the things we use vegetable oil for, it's quite daunting. 

Could it be in reality that the food we think is sustaining us is actually harming us? Sooner or later our natural bodies will begin to show signs of what we have been putting into it. Would our next generation think it was all 'worth it'? Something has to give. 

So, is the abuse of animals in order to feed us, morally justifiable?
Are organic foods really worth the price, and do they taste better?
Do you think GM foods are a risk we should take in order to feed the world?

I would love to hear your comments, views and opinions on this. 

Voter or Joker?

I'm sure that most of the world knows by now, that America is about to take the big vote. Should we be bothered or should we take note? Does it really matter who is in power, after all, whatever these polititians  say now does not always have any affect after they have taken up office, so why is it so important that we should waste our time voting anway?

For many years I have heard many critisms about voting. Some are justified and many are not. 

How can you really just sit back and do nothing, then without shame start to verbally abuse the person in power because of what they are now doing? 

Should we not be happy that we live in societies where we can vote with our feet so to speak without fear of reprisals? Many countries don't have the freedoms we do and voting can be a matter of life or death. 

Just one example, to put my point across, let's look at black people in the US. Digging back into a time AFTER slavery, blacks were discouraged from voting in many states when it should have been a right. They were not given details of how and when to vote, a poll tax was used, knowing they could not afford to pay it,  and even if they could afford it many were not able to read or write. I read today that black slaves were counted as 'three fiths' of a white or freed black person in regards to voting. With that in mind, why wouldn't a black American person do all they can now to exercise that right now?

Conversely, if voting was so insignificant, why did blacks, the common people and women have to fight so hard to win it?

Shouldn't we be overjoyed that the person we voted for will run our country the way we want? Why is it that so many people still feel that it's ok not to vote?

Do we ever think about the harsh struggles that won many of us the vote? But now, years later, after all they suffered we sit back with our legs up, beer or tea in hand, and can't even be bothered to put a tick next to someone who may possibly change our future for the better? 

I know, it's difficult at times. Politicians are notorious for saying one thing, and as soon as they get into power they have a change of stance. But could it be because once in power they were shown what was really going on behind the scenes and their dreams were never going to make reality anyway? 

What if you were not able to vote right now? How would you feel?

What reason do you have for not voting? and can you justify it?

Do you feel that everyone is society should have a vote regardless to their disposition? 
(ie: the over 65's, under 18's, the mentally ill, those in prison etc.)

What do you think about all of this?

I'd love to hear your opinions and comment on this.