There comes a point in life when I feel that people really need to take responsibility for who they are and what they have become. I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth, neither have I had the luxuries of life handed to me on a plate. I have had to fight for everything I wanted or needed and I have myself to blame for missed opportunities, and for digging my own pit at times. I have had to challenge and oppose the negatives in life in order to succeed or move forward and there were many times when absolutely nothing happened. Life was like a monopoly board, I didn't always know where I would land and how my life would be affected. But, although now, I may be somewhat content, I have definitely not achieved what I wanted to in life but rather been forced to go a completely different way.
So why is it that some people who didn't achieve what they wanted to in life, blame it all upon their childhood experiences? It seems that all their failures, whether it be in employment, in business, in relationships, in education, and suchlike are always put down to the fact that they had a bad upbringing?
Is this really the case? If you have come from a very abusive, manipulating, controlling, Victorian style upbringing, would it be fair to say that right now the mess you are in, as an independent adult, is because you had a terrible childhood? Or should the fact that you made bad decisions and choices mean it’s your own damn fault?
Let me be honest, some people like to play the victim. They have endless heart wrenching stories that would bring tears to your eyes and a key to your wallet. They take no responsibility for what they have become, or where they have ended up and attribute all their misfortunes and misadventures to mummy and daddy's fault. It's just amazing how many people in prison, on drugs, homeless etc, blame their background, but nobody seems to look at the fact that if you don't pay the rent but spend it on booze (alcohol), you will in no doubt become homeless, as an example of course. I'm not saying that there aren't any barriers in society. Far from it, but that does not take away the strong element of choice that individuals have in shaping their own future.
How many times have we seen murderers, thieves and criminals of all kinds, both in real life and on TV crying, blaming everything on their tough background and actually expecting our sympathy!
Have I become so hardened to it all, that I've got my thoughts messed up and our past really does map out our actual future? This is a discussion I've been having recently.
Would you say that your life has really turned out the way you planned it?
What is the reason why you didn't achieve your own dreams?
How much has your upbringing impacted on who you are and what you do in life today?
Would love to hear your views, ideas and/or opinions on this.
Whenever I notice that I'm about to judge someone else's life decisions (particularly when I'm judging them negatively), I try to do a privilege check. It's very easy for us to forget the advantages we have because they're just a part of everyday life for us.
ReplyDeleteTake for example, I can walk home from work at night and not worry (too much) about my safety. If I lived a few blocks north of where I do, I couldn't do that. I've been surrounded my entire life by people who understood the value of education. If everyone around me was living the thug life, joining gangs and selling drugs, would I have turned out the same way?
I'm all for personal accountability, but it is absolutely unfair in my mind to think that people operate in a vacuum. We are a product of our environment (though it's fair to debate to what degree), and sometimes these things spiral.
Say I had fallen in with the wrong crowd as a teenager and didn't have role models to steer me right. Say I got hooked on drugs. Maybe picked up an STD. My life would be on a completely different path. Sure, the decisions were my own, but how much can you fault someone who simply didn't know better?
This isn't to serve as a blanket excuse for every bad decision ever, but rather to remind us that people do come from environments worse than ours, and we ought to continue reaching out to people before they make life-altering mistakes.
Thanks Neel. I fully understand what you mean about reaching out to others but my negative attitude starts to kick in when you have reached out many times, you have heard the same sorry story several times, you have given them good advice several times and bailed them out of deep trouble several times. It is at this point when I have to say that they need to 'step up' and take responsibility for their own actions because they just go through life leaving devastation behind them and pouring their own problems on to everyone else but themselves.
DeleteWe all can't get out of a bad environment, and even at the best of times we can't climb that slippery ladder to success but it's not always everyone else's fault.
You made some good points, thanks for that.
Totally agree with you.
ReplyDeleteI know this type of people and I always try to keep a distance from them.
We are what we do now, not in the past, not in the future. NOW!
Life is a journey, and every step you do depends on you only.
Background is a bullshit. You gotta leave your past and go ahead and be responsable for all you say or do. It's your life!
Thanks Just Me. As independant adults I do feel we have a duty to be as responsible as we can be for our own actions and not blame everyone else.
DeleteI think that it's fatally easy to condemn someone for poor choices that they make as an adult without considering the environment in which they grew up. Bear in mind that a person's entire personality is shaped in childhood, for good or ill.
ReplyDeleteTake education: I was lucky enough to grow up in a house with books, so even though I grew up on a council estate, I had a head start on my contemporaries, and was eventually able to go to university. I know quite a few people whose life chances have been stunted for the simple reason that they grew up in houses without books and left school able to read and write, but with no other skills that might be useful in life.
Of course, this doesn't excuse the kind of violent, egocentric, anti-social behaviour that is so common nowadays, but violent, anti-social adults probably grew up in violent, anti-social families, and they have been socialized to believe that this is acceptable, even normal behaviour.
Oh yes Dennis, I agree that there are people that are products of their own environment but I do believe that there comes a point in most people's life when a lightbulb goes on, and you start to question, who you are and where you are going. It's then that you need to make conscious decisions about what road you want to travel down.
DeleteYou see, I don't care if someone makes a poor choice. I've done it many times before. It's when that poor choice becomes everyone else's burden time and time again, is when I get annoyed. How many times would you put your hand in the fire, so to speak? Then when your hands are completely destroyed I am the one having to cook and clean for you, wash you and dress you! your constant refusal to take responsibility has put me in it big time, then I feel guilty for not wanting to help. (I tried to hide myself on the bus when I saw my needy friend once, bad move but there you go).
I have SO many stories that I can use as examples for this blog post, but seriously, this comment would easily be twice as long. Considering I already got into some hot water with the inlaws for talking abstractly about their stupid f'd up ways, I should probably not go into detail there. The best story I have is this:
ReplyDeleteI had a gf once that told me a deep dark secret, that she had been raped, in grade school, by her principle. She hadn't told that to anyone else, but her parents and stuff knew. It was a horrifying experience, and one that had obvious psychological manifestations later in life. But, she knew this, and never ever used it as a card, and would often sit with me and watch shows where these people would complain about how abuse early in life caused them to be so messed up later that they truly could not get by. That exgf of mine would sit there and roll her eyes, wanting people to fess up for their own choices in life.
It was interesting watching her reactions to that, because she herself, had some issues. She was abusing alcohol, trying to sneak in marijuana when she thought she could get away with it, and I still think she cheated, even though I can't prove it. Though I do know when she wasn't with me, she was highly promiscuous, (honestly she conceived her child in the midst of a threesome). Yet she stood up and took credit for her mistakes in life, saying they were full on her choices, and never EVER blamed her past trauma.
As far as your last set of questions. Life has been an amazing ride, and I've had to change my dreams so many times.... Life is definitely not where I thought it would be, BUT, that teenage fantasy of finding true love happened. But the MAIN dream of being a published author hasn't happened yet, even if my fiance IS a published author. So many things got in the way of my dreams, and I deviated so many times as well. Either way, I'm happy at where I am, and though I CAN place the blame on other people for some of the things that happened, I share most of the blame for all the failures I've had in my life. And I say that proudly, because every failure has been the precursor to some greater success.
Oh Dan, it's never a good idea slagging off (talking badly) the in-laws. It's a sure way to get the family in uproar. ha ha ha ha.
DeleteI've read your posts Dan, and it is clear that you've had ups and downs in life, and it is also very clear how much you love your wife, so I'm extremely happy that despite where you've been you've got your 'true love'.
You mentioned about 'changing your dreams many times'. To me, this is very important because some people aspire to only one thing in life, and they refuse to consider anything else or do anything else, therefore ending up with nothing.They fail to see or take up the other opportunities that were put in front of them. Yes, by all means follow your dreams but not to the point of pure devastation to all around you. Rome wasn't built in a day and things can take time but in the meantime also pursue other avenues.
Another good thing you mentioned was 'failures has been precursor to some success', isn't that the truth Dan, yes it has for me too. Thank you so much for your input, and leave the in-laws off your radar, ha ha ha
I hate chiming in on a subject such as this, because I get heated over it. I hate to divulge this information, ever, but it needs to be said to prove a point. I was abused as a child, I was raped and beaten, then left for dead as an adult. I was also born with a silver spoon, then the family lost everything in the crash in the 80's. I don't expect hand-outs and I've ALWAYS worked for everything I have. I refuse to be a victim. I was an actual victim, but I will not allow that to limit who I am or what I can achieve. I don't want/expect sympathy and I will not milk the system for my past. Bad things happen to people, good or bad, so suck it up! Your history is no excuse and you don't have to walk around playing the "woe-is-me" card, it makes me mad that people do.
ReplyDeleteI also hate parents that feel their child is entitled. The "not MY child" parents. When we moved from UT to NC (a huge culture change), my oldest was bullied at school. I don't condone fighting, but I say defend yourself, so eventually he ended up in detention for fighting back. This was a new thing for my son who is a straight A, top four percentile in the country student. So I called the school for details and they immediately got defensive. "I have to punish everyone involved; it's only fair; rules, blah blah..." I interrupted saying, "I just needed to know when and where to pick him up, if he did wrong, he'll pay the price." This took them by surprise, he stuttered for a good five minutes. I raise my kids with integrity, morals, and a good understanding of what is acceptable and what is NOT.
A powerful story to tell Barbara. Your honesty and determination is an inspiration to all of us. I know you're not looking for sympathy, but at the same time would like to say that I'm sorry for what happened to you. I'm glad you took the time to share with us what happened to and how you survived through it all.
DeleteI also agree with the story about your son. We don't do kids any favours when we try to bail them out from the consequences of their own misdeeds! I truly appreciate your comments Barbara. Thanks.
I think a lot of us carry issues from our childhood upbringing that certainly affect who we are today. It's what you DO with that knowledge that will set you free. I was raised in a family that was very critical and judgmental, and therefore I grew up with a lot of insecurities and phobias that to this day I struggle to overcome. In severe case, I think therapy is the best route to change our way of thinking.
ReplyDeleteI agree that therapy is a very good way to actually help someone to deal with negative patterns of behavior and also issues of their past.
DeleteThank you so much Menopausal mama.
I think one's childhood can have a huge impact but at some point you're just responsible for you own life. I think people can't blame their childhood for commiting crimes or becoming drug addictive, for example.
ReplyDeleteI share some stories on my blog because it helps me to sort my thoughts but actually I never tell anyone in real life (except for two people because sometimes you need to talk, but I'd never ask them for anything, least of all money) and that's because I do NOT want to be seen as a victim or something. Whatever opinion people have about me, they have to form it due to who I am now and not based on some happenings in the past. I don't want my friends or anyone to see me differently. And I know some people would.
Hope you know what I'm trying to say.
I can't really say whether my life has turned out the way I planned it because I didn't plan much and my life is (hopefully) not over for a long time yet.
I think my upbringing has not really affected what I do today. I don't know if it has affected the way I think or feel about certain things. But I dare say I'm managing my life quite well now. Sure, I don't have much money, but at least it's my own and I've never had problems at school and I'm studying now. It's quite an ordinary life from the outside. :)
Yes, I know what you are trying to say. I've heard other bloggers say that it's therapeutic when they write about their personal life as it is a way of them expressing and releasing their feelings.
DeleteI'm sure there's still a lot of life left you in Kleopatra, it's only just begun. You're busy studying now and as time goes by, no doubt your plans will start developing even more. Thanks for your comments Kleopatra :)
Childhood has a massive impact on your life, for instance (in the majority of cases) there are psychopaths in the world that will not go on to be what people generally conceive as a psychopath i.e. a serial killer. The psychopaths that do go on to become serial killers a lot of the time have either been abused or witnessed abuse in their early childhood. All types of psychopaths however lack empathy for others so wouldn't really have a problem with killing someone either way but it basically shows even if someone doesn't give a stuff what you think about them it's the childhood that defines their life. That's just one example to an extreme. I'm not saying that there's not people in the world that will use what they can as a excuse but I remember seeing this video which is a bit WTF of a little girl in therapy with Reactive Attachment Disorder based on abuse suffered at a very young age she's not using her abuse as a excuse but it shows how messed up childhood can make you https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ME2wmFunCjU
ReplyDeleteVery interesting what you are saying about psychopaths / serial killers Jamie because I must agree that I think there could be a link about their abusive childhood etc in the majority of these cases. No getting around that.
DeleteIf I do get the time I will look at the video (providing it's not too long) with this young girl in therapy, but no promises. Thanks for your comment Jamie.
An analogy:
ReplyDeleteThe adventure of life is like sailing in a small ship. We can adjust the sails and rudder but the wind and waves are mostly in control.
Reaching our goals, changing them when the situation proves they are unobtainable, recovering from unexpected hardships, succeeding when it seems all is lost; in the end we have much less control than we believe.
This makes life scary but it also makes it exciting and enjoyable.
http://johns-spot112948.blogspot.com/2011/04/adventure-of-life-is-like-sailing-in.html
I quite like the way you put this analogy John and I'll pop over to take a look at your link. Thanks.
DeleteHmmm. Two things - one, our past can have horrific consequences, setting up patterns of behaviour and thought that are very difficult to overcome. Two, once we become adults, we are responsible to make the proper adjustments, and ARE responsible for the choices that we make. I do think that compassion is required for those who are in the process of rebuilding. I am one who has a 'sob story', who is in the process of rewiring thinking patterns and restructuring my self from the foundation up, and know how difficult it is. However, I am fully responsible for my actions - this is what gives me my dignity as a human being, the fact that I can think and choose for myself. Part of retaining dignity is facing up to what we have and haven't done. This is an element that is sadly missing from our culture in general, I find. Interesting topic...
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely Melody, compassion is a must in some cases, and wisdom in others. I need a bit more of both. :). Thanks for your comment.
DeleteThe lack of accountability in society is pervasive, extending into matters of personal health. I don't know why I'm still surprised that there are people who consider their morbid obesity with insulin dependent diabetes, obstructive sleep apnea, and hypertension someone else's problem. Drives me absolutely crazy. Regardless of one's childhood experiences, one is still responsible the his or her choices in life. Our experiences are so intensely subjective anyway; no two people will experience the same traumatic event identically. We've all got baggage. How we manage our emotions is a reflection of insight and coping skills; once our thoughts become actions, though, there is no one to blame but ourselves.
ReplyDeleteOh, don't get me started about having baggage Helena. That's a whole new post (thanks) which could last for weeks, ha ha. Health and a lack of personal responsibility is a major issue these days, so I know what you mean..it reminds me of a post I did called:
DeleteOrgan Donation - Do they deserve a second chance?
Thank you for sharing your views Helena.
Some great responses so far. You always ask such thought-provoking questions. I guess I'm in the middle. I know a person's past can have a large impact on their behavior and decisions in the future. Some people rise above it while others don't -- sometimes by choice, other times not.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your views Janene.
DeleteYou have the best posts. I agree with you. We are what we make our lives be. and you are so right. So many like to play the role of victim forever. If we all took responsibility for the choices we make - what a better world it would be.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the compliment Donna and for your comments :)
DeleteStraight to your title question- I believe everything happen to me is my Fault, and (perhaps also the other coin-) Success.
ReplyDeleteEvery person has their responsibilities to make a choice- sometime when you do not have options to choose, at least you get the chance to learn to take action in case of future incidents.
The rest of the fact of pointing out childhood or everything happens since they either do not have the guts to think otherwise since that would put them into wiggled efforts! Or because, they yet to earn their sense that fits in this world.
Thank you so much for sharing your opinions Moonomo.
DeleteI see it the way you see it...I can understand that our childhood upbringing reflects who we are today, but if our childhood was a "shitty" one ..why don't we try to get out of the pit? I try to use the bad happenings in my life as an advantage...I mean I take them as a lesson and try to avoid a second happening in the future.
ReplyDeleteMy dreams I do my best to reach them..many times I see them far ...I most of the time Blame it on destiny...but lets be honest we make our own destiny! we make good, bad choices...so we can't really balme it on anyone or anything....
When I was growing up they used to say 'What don't kill, fattens'. In other words, negative and adverse circumstances can sometimes be turned to our advantage. Thanks Hotei.
DeleteSo many feelings on this subject. I can see your point of view on this, and yet I can also see the opposite point of view within certain diameters. I do believe that most people follow a certain path and make their own choices that determine where they go in life. I also can understand those that were put on a different path because of experiences thrown at them that they had no chance to deflect. Many factors in one's life effects outcomes. I also believe that many people "cry wolf" and blame too many things on what they have done and where they are.
ReplyDeleteVery thought provoking topic.
Perhaps the stance of society in general is different at different points in history and in different cultures, but I think what I've talked about here is true for my place and time.
DeleteThank you for sharing your view Phil.
Well said! People need to take ownership of their own lives and the choices they make.
ReplyDeleteThanks Molly.
DeleteThis is a great post. We need to stop blaming our past on the future. We need to let go;move on and focus on the positive.Start taking charge of our life, towards our dreams.
ReplyDeleteYes, I hope people will read this as a message of challenge and encouragement and not as a put-down! Thanks for the comment Shanay.
DeleteI haven't made my mind up about this, either. I have had a good or "easy"childhood, but I was born with a very high sense of responsibility, hard work and above all, the desire of being able to decide on my circumstances. But I must say, I haven't met many people mature enough to admit some responsibility on their acts and their consequences; and the general feeling among my generation is that, it's always someone else's fault. Oh, how I hate that.
ReplyDeleteAndre, I guess I would repeat what I said to Phil above. Thank you very much for chipping in.
DeleteYes your childhood, good or bad impact your future. How much, on the other hand, varies. One person I know who was raised in an extremely abusive home then went on to the start of a pretty shitty adulthood. I asked once what turned the corner and the answer was "I had to look honestly at what was done to me versus what I did to punish myself for what was done to me. I decided to forgive myself, and to stop punishing myself for things I could not help." Guilt and abuse go hand in hand it seems. After all, abusers blame the victim. And young children are easily convinced that things are their fault, especially when it is the parents placing the blame.
ReplyDeleteAs for my own life, yeah, I owe a hell of a lot to my parents. I had a lot of support and opportunities others did not. And yes, I do think that is largely responsible for where I am in my life right now.
This is a big part of what I'm trying to put across. If people see their life as a bad script they have to act out, they will never move on and will live in the shadow of their past. Challenging and questioning what has been done to us is the first step to saying to ourselves 'that's not how I choose to be any longer' and once we have it clear in ourselves we are better prepared to say it to the world.
DeleteAlso, please tell la Nonna from me, 'Che la auguro da parte mia che si senta meglio il pi u' presto possibile'. Thanks Jamie.
LOL, yikes, depends on what that means. I don't speak Italian, unfortunately. I wish my dad had spoke it in the home... other than swear words.
DeleteJamie It's in the polite 'lei' form, that you use for someone senior to you, and it says:
Delete'My best wishes that you begin to get well as soon as possible'
... or words to that effect :)
I know what you mean about speaking a language, as my parents speak fluent french but I was never taught it properly, but I do remember words I shouldn't repeat.
as a person who had miserable childhood, and some of if indeed made my adult life tremendously difficult, i do see this issue more complicated than just one way or another. they are people who have rights to "blame" their parents, there also are people don't take responsibility of themselves, stay in playing victims forever. for me, the difference is not about "choices", but "capability". those who stay in blaming their past are just not "strong" enough to get rid of their trauma.
ReplyDeletei think, the other side of the story is, many people who never experienced a bad childhood, have a wonderful smooth career and life achievement, tend to be so easily to believe that their achievement is totally due to their own ambition. but for me, i think fate play the major rule in our life, and it is more powerful than we can imagine.
further more, what's the most powerful factor in the fate? bmho, is childhood. like someone said, "childhood is the background color of ones' whole life". for those childhood under tremendously abusive parents, i think it does take a genius to overcome.
nonetheless, no matter how miserable the childhood was, i agree it is still up to the persons themselves to get their life back. for those who dwell forever in their past, i think they are just not able to do so.
Yes, for a person who has had a difficult childhood has huge obstacles to overcome, compared to the person who has been nurtured. This is not to be underestimated. But to make it an excuse to hide behind doesn't do anyone any favours, I think. Thank you for commenting Yun Yi.
DeleteWelcome. I have not take chance to thanks your commenting in my blog. So here is a big thanks!:-)
DeleteI just wanted to add, I think to find the causes of an adult's false behavior, is different from finding an excuse. I totally agree, that regardless of some horrible childhood, an adult is totally responsible for his/her own action.
I personally have very horrible experience on this, my sister never has a life and she committed serious crimes(!) but both mental institution and law system are lamed so she is still out there, using her past as excuses, continue to make tremendous damage to people who live with her. So, I know what you are talking about!
I usually agreed with your posts.
ReplyDeleteAlmost everything I found here on this post is false according to my 42 years of abuses and sufferings.
1)First of all I need to say that what you and a part of the good people who answered here wrote above is only a hypocritical attack upon the innocent victims, the simple fact that you just blame the victims like you were taught by education and socialization. In order to justify or to create a good image. Many writers, including Hemingway for example or Balzac or Hugo, explained in ancient times this mechanism, also admitted by psychologists. I have many quotes about this act, but I won't write them here. I will say only that the spirit of group coherence and belonging makes people avoid victims like one of the commentators said he always did. The society kills what they consider weaker parts, wounded animals in a throng, even if they don't show weaknesses.
2)Almost everything in such cases depends upon the environment.
I also think that the victims, in many cases, for example like I was, don't learn pathological answers to stressful situations because of their past. Another lie spit upon them is that they victimize themselves. What does it mean? Has this concept any kind of significance? No. I did not do that and the others destroyed me and rejected me on and on. I fought for my life, I was responsible, except for the periods where they forcefully treated me with horrible psychiatric drugs, when I almost broke my head falling on concrete and I had some behaviors that where not like my usual way of being, because of too much pain and dizziness, etc.
3) I had a very happy childhood, although I was poor, and I really think that (this is my opinion) childhood miseries don't influence too much the future personality or the faults of the individual. My problems started only when I was 13 and I had to move with my parents and to adapt in another school. My parents beaten me up horribly on and on, my colleagues destroyed my things in the classroom, etc. It was not my fault at all. They just said I was too kind and shy, that is all.
4)I never used drugs (except for those prescribed), I never used alcohol, except for a few times. So the fact that some people seem to think that the victim lacks money because she was weak and drank for example is another mistake. I have money only for paying bills and food, I was even starving, but no one has pity. I say again: everything depends upon the environment, including institutions, I did not victimize myself, but I asked if I can have retirement rights and they said no because I did not have a job. Yet I worked illegally 5 years, because schizophrenics don't have the right to work. I was forcefully isolated by everyone, even by those I helped in the past, financially or otherwise.
The state help was 60-70 euros in my country a few years ago, which was insufficient for living and I refused, wanting to have a job. Maybe in other countries is different, again the environment counts.
I can say many other things but I will end my complaint here. I admit that maybe my only mistake was smoking, of course without any pleasure, only because I was tortured continuously and very lonely and poor. I stopped smoking for two years and it was worse.
In 2002 I went to all NGOs or state institutions asking for human rights in vain, losing all my money after my father's death in 2005. No one answers to my mails or phone calls, no one phones me.
I am not guilty, I did everything possible with calm and planning activities in vain.
I know that you and others don't agree with me. You can read my life story in stories on Storylane if you are interested. My father was beating me once saying "I will make you a true Gipsy" and I did not understand what he meant. I never had delusions like the fact that I was Gipsy, I don't think so, like some can say.
You can delete my comment if you consider it outrageous.
My Storylane page:
http://www.storylane.com/cristina-monicamoldoveanu
There are a couple of things I want to say really clearly first of all:
DeleteThere is nothing disrespectful or offensive to me in what you wrote, so I would not think of deleting your comment. As I always say, everyone is free to disagree with me. This blog is about discussion and the free flow of ideas. I am flexible enough to change my stance when someone has convinced me that my point of view is wrong. Your comment is definitely not outrageous.
From what you say about your life here, you are in no way the type of person I am talking about in this post. I'm talking about people who hide behind their past, circumstances or conditions to manipulate others into doing things for them, blaming others for things that are down to choices they have made or as justification for wrong things they do.
I am not saying that you should recover from the real and debilitating condition of schizophrenia through sheer will power, or as though you had a magic wand. I am not saying that I refuse to recognise the immense challenges and pressures this has meant you have to deal with.
I was writing based upon my own personal experience of certain people I personally know who continuously beg me for money, help, advice etc every single time I bump into them. They don't do anything to help themselves, so I try to avoid them, be it a good thing or bad.
I appreciate all your comments and glad that you are honest and upfront with your views. Thanks Cristiana-Monica Moldoveanu.
I have been reading your blog and will take a look at your link :)
As always RPD you respect others. I too Christina have read your posts. You have a great deal to share, and have a unique voice. I think your story has much to teach.
DeleteHear ya on personal responsibility, Rum-Punch-Drunk! Blamers need to quit whining and take responsibility! You are not hardened for feeling that way, I feel that way too. My life has not turned out at all the way I wanted. Sometimes that make me sad. But I only have myself to blame for missed opportunities and poor choices that caused things to go awry (and there have been a few whoppers in that category for me!). I had an awful childhood. I could have easily blamed my actual parents, my various foster parents, the nuns, the orphanage (not an orphan just there with my siblings when my mom was hospitalized and that’s a story for my blog one day), the kids who bullied us, the relatives who abandoned us, the entire laundry list of miseries when I was a child, and even things that happened to me as a young adult...but why? To blame any of that on the reason why my life did not turn out the way I wanted is just wrong and lazy, in my opinion. It’s the easy way out; it’s not taking personal responsibility. It would just make me the victim, and the last thing I would ever want to be is a victim. My late mother liked to say, “You make your bed, you sleep in it.” Exactly! Great post.
ReplyDeleteThanks JerseyLil. Just from reading your comment I can see that you really have not had it easy from childhood to young adulthood, but despite your past you refuse to play the victim role. No one ever said it would be an easy thing to do but at least you've done your best. I would be very interested to hear your story when you write about it one day. My mother also use to say the same thing "you made your bed, so lay in it".
DeleteThanks again for your comment JerseyLil.
I think it's best not to judge or make too many assumptions about other people. How a person's life turns out is frequently a matter of luck, and always a bit of a mystery. As for myself, I had a very happy childhood and have pretty much always lived my life the way I wanted to. I do believe absolutely that people are responsible for their actions, but they are not always responsible or aware of what choices are available to them. I think blaming society or one's parents is a dead end, but so as well is blaming oneself. So I agree with William Blake when he said: "Mutual forgiveness of each vice/ Such are the gates of Paradise."
ReplyDeleteNP, I think in life it's always good to have a plan B because life can be a mystery like you said, and some things don't always go according to plan or we just don't get the opportunities we are looking for. I spent many times going in circles for various reasons until I changed direction.
DeleteIt's always nice to hear that someone had a very happy childhood, as that is not often the case for many. Thank you so much for commenting NP.
You can keep on blaming everything, or just start doing things. I didn't have the best upbringing nor did I have everything served to me on a silver platter, but that's why I strived hard to get to where I am now. Now I have my own family, and I try to give my kids the childhood I didn't have.
ReplyDeleteI like your comment very much because whatever happened in your past, you have not only moved on but you are doing your best to make sure that your children have a better childhood than you did. And it's very important that we don't repeat the same mistakes that our parents did especially if it was abusive in any way.
DeleteThanks William.
Great post and so true! My life was pretty effed up but I don't go around blaming my parents for it. Somewhere or another, someone must break the cycle of bad parenting or ill circumstances whatever the issue and start taking care of what needs to be taken care of. I can't stand excuses!
ReplyDeleteI think my upbringing has made me into the awesome, strong willed, street smart and book smart, individual that I am today. Can you tell I'm a big fan of myself....and you of course Rum Punch Drunk!
xo
Bonnie, nothing in wrong in giving yourself a little praise every now and again. You've done well in your life despite your upbringing and you should be proud of who you are today. Confidence is a good thing. :)
DeleteThanks Bonnie, I'll be popping over to your blog soon to get some more wonderful tips to make my blog better and thanks for the info I have already received :)
Here, I'd like to make note of a very strong point that..., during your childhood you are NOT responsible for any of your situation. Doesn't it say, "if you are born poor it is not your fault... but if you die poor it IS your fault." It goes the same way. But I would not deny the fact that we are not completely responsible for what we are. Our surroundings and all those important people in our life play a very essential role in making you what you are.
ReplyDeleteTaking my example: i'm a single child raised up in a very conservative family where my parents struggled a lot to get what they wanted in life. So here you can say that it would have my parents' fault if they wouldn't have grabbed the opportunities and choose wisely. But if you talk about me, I want something different from my life..., but I know it is least possible and the reason is not me. It's my surrounding..,which has some "rules" to be followed.
I'm not blaming anyone here. But it is just my opinion that you can have your own thots, own beliefs after you grow up. You can choose wisely between the opportunities, you can recognize the difference between friend and foe, you can choose between the 2 carriers but after a limit.., you are bounded.
But ya, if your desires are beyond that limit then may be you are responsible and its your desiscion to go the way you want!
Liked the way you said it Esabella, and agree that children are not fully responsible for certain situations they find themselves in in this instance. As we grow older and become adults and begin to make choices in life, then comes the responsibility for what we are doing and where we may end up.
DeleteYes, it's hard. Yes, it's difficult at times but nonetheless, we ought to be accountable/responsible for any wrong turns and right turns. So many people don't want to recognize that they went down a wrong road. Instead they use a shovel to throw the blame elsewhere.
Esabella, we all make mistakes in life and some of those mistakes can be rectified, and with others, we have no choice but to learn from them. That's life.
I really appreciate the valuable comments that you have been making, and hope you continue to contribute. Thanks Esabella.